Dealing with Criticism - Constructively
You feel you have been criticized? Take a breath!
Most of us have experienced this: A supervisor or colleague comes to your office and tells you in a disrespectful tone that your previous project was not handled well. Instinctively, you defend yourself – or even react aggressively. One argument leads to another and the situation gets out of control.
Let’s ponder for a moment: What is your first reaction in this vulnerable situation? Do you feel under attack? Does your response start with “Yes, but…”? Do you blame it on a colleague or retaliate? Do you take the criticism personally and are offended? Do you ignore, dismiss or block it?
While we might have a natural inclination to react to criticism in this way, we also have a chance to deal with these situations more consciously. There are no easy recipes on how to deal with complex conflict situations, but the following might be helpful in transforming them into an opportunity for personal growth.
1. BREATHE
Pause and reflect: What were you going to say or do? Think about your instinctive response ― and resist! Don’t bother with the tone of your counterpart; you are responsible only for your own dignified reaction and behaviour, not for the other person’s misbehaviour.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE
Instead of your initial reaction, acknowledge that the other party took the time and made an effort to give you feedback. If the person criticizing you does not mean well, simply thanking the person can already disarm him/her. Defensive phrases or counterattacking will not help and will only add to the stress of the situation. Instead, show that you are willing to listen. Keep in mind that acknowledging the feedback does not necessarily mean agreeing with it.
3. ASK
In the next step, try to ask specific questions about the issue starting with “when, where, how” This will transform the personal criticism into a specific one and prove that you have heard the other person. Inquire about criticism focused on a specific behaviour or the concrete project rather than on your person.
4. ADD
Ask if you may add your perspective on the issue. Communicate clearly what you think, point out where you agree and apologize, if appropriate. Also clarify, where you disagree. Explain your standpoint calmly and stay focused on the issue.
5. FIND SOLUTIONS
Ask the other person what you can do next time to handle the issue better and demonstrate your willingness to find a solution. In any case, move on, stay future-oriented and focus on specific actions in the future.
Focus on "I statements" vs. "YOU statements"
“I” statements give the other person more information about yourself rather than accusing him/her to be the cause of the problem. Use these three steps to formulate:
- Observation: “I have noticed…”, “I saw…”, “When you do… I feel…”
- Feeling: “I feel (explain feelings, e.g. frustrated, hurt, overwhelmed…)…
- Connection: “…because…” (explain reason why behaviour causes these feelings)
6. LOOK FOR OPTIONS THAT WORK FOR BOTH OF YOU!
Find possible solutions for both of you and focus on the future working relationship with the other party rather than on past events.
Examples
“I” statement
Jake, in the last staff meeting you said that I was always late with my submissions. I felt embarrassed and hurt, because I always thought I was doing a good job”.
Vs.
“You” statement
“Jake, in the last staff meeting you said that I was always late with my submissions. You are very judgemental, and you never said anything like this before. I always thought I was doing a good job”.
